Parenting tips, toddlers/teens

Parenting isn’t taught in schools. You don’t need a license to raise a child, and you don’t get a diploma at the end (and anyway, according to my lovely, wonderful mother, the job never ends). It’s hard to know from all the magazines, books and random advice given by strangers in the grocery store, what works and what doesn’t. Plus, the truth is that what works for one child may not for another, even in the same family.

So in honor of Mothers’ Day, here are a couple of tips I’ve found helpful since August 1986 when our first son was born.

1. “Stay where you can see me”. When urging a small child not to disappear in a public place, do NOT say, “Stay where I can see you”. Think about it: small children can’t think in abstract terms. Out of sight is out of mind. And anyway, they think you can see them at all times and in all places. You want them to think you can, at least through high school – the longer you can get them to believe you will know if they mess up, the better.

Instead of “Stay where I can see you, please”, say, “Stay where you can see me, please”. And then occasionally call out, “Can you see me?”, when you know they can but aren’t thinking about it, until they get in the habit of keeping you within eyesight.

2. “Just so you know”. This is a brilliant phrase to use with anyone you have an intense relationship with – partner, parent, child, good friend. It is best used out of context, NOT in the heat of dealing with a problem. The next day, maybe. “Just so you know, I didn’t like those meatballs we had last night as much as some other kinds.” Or in the future: “Just so you know, I’m not going to finish tidying my room today/this month/any time soon”. I forget which of our offspring introduced and made common this phrase in our family, and I’m hesitant to guess knowing the other two would likely immediately tell me s/he was actually the helpful one. The phrase is great because it carries a host of underlying assumptions/shorthand messages:
* “This may not be all that important to you, but it would be helpful for you to be aware of.”
* “The following information is giving you my opinion.”
* “Honestly, Mom, I thought everyone knew this, but apparently you don’t.”
* “No offense, but _______ sucked.”
* “This is not open for discussion, this is the way it is/will be.”

Example: “Just so you know, Mom, nobody likes Frosted Mini Wheats”. This gem was delivered by Ali, when I asked her what we needed at the store. Translation: “Dad and I don’t like the only cereal in the cupboard”. See how nicely that works?

Please feel welcome to share in the comments any short tips that have worked well in your experience.