Tips for Talking to Teens

This is part two of my report on Amy Ruona’s presentation to the Wilson High School PTA last month, with a few ideas from my parenting experiences sprinkled in. Attached is her bibliography from her presentation, if you want more information. Now that we know teenagers and young adults up to about age 25 have different brain patterns than adults, how can older folks help them interact with us constructively and make good choices?

The main Tip for Talking to Teens is simple:

* Practice and model what they need to do – take a deep breath and wait for your frontal cortex to catch up with the fight/flight hormonal reflexes to a stressful situation.

* Use “I” statements and avoid words like “never”, “always”, and “but”. This goes well for adults, too. Avoid “but” like the plague. It translates to, “ignore the preceding phrase”“look out, I’m about to say something you’ll disagree with.”

* If you say something you regret, apologize. Don’t expect teens to reciprocate with immediate forgiveness.

* Teach and practice “refusal skills”. These are covered in our public schools to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the school. In a nutshell, ask questions and stall until you can figure out a graceful way out/to say “No”.

* Set clear expectations in advance, and follow through. Try to have consequences related to the transgression (“the punishment fit the crime”) and to help teens see mistakes as learning experiences. Yours, as well as theirs.

* Replace negative rites of passage with positive ones. A special trip with one parent for an end-of-school-year treat, for example.

* Avoid being a doormat, or a baseball bat. Constant disrespectful behavior is not OK – either from you or your teen.

* Try talking when you’re driving in the car – it seems easier on your teen not to have to make eye contact. Pick a time when you’re not mad with each other, preferably early in the teen struggle, and say something like, “When you do x, I do y. That just makes us both angrier. We’re going to be living in the same house for the next z years, and I’m too old to change my ways much. I’ll try. If you can think of ways to avoid triggering the y response from me, I think the next z years will go better for both of us. And let me know if there are particular things I should try not to do, that bug the heck out of you.”

Amy Ruona’s Summary:

And above all, remember you got through months of never getting a good night’s sleep when they were infants. This too shall pass.